Monday, November 28, 2005

Your will be done. . .

Well, it's Monday the 28th and my grandma has still not left the hospital. She had a feeding tube put in today because she's not awake enough to eat and get proper nutrients. Plus, it takes her literally an hour to eat something simple like a bowl of cream of wheat. My mom thinks she'll be in the hospital through at least this Wednesday. She was very excited about getting the feeding tube put in because she HATES having to eat. I think it's hard for her to chew and swallow and it is a battle with her and my granddad every mealtime. So this should be good for both of them. I don't really know what to pray for her anymore, so I've decided to just say to God, "Your will be done."

I got my flu shot today. I am nicer to the person giving me my shot than Hayley is to her nurse when she gets her shots. She says, "No No NO!!" to anything that hurts her---for example if she runs into the coffee table she'll tell it "No No NO!" So at her 12 month appointment when she got her flu shot, she cried and looked at the nurse and pointed at her, shaking her fist and saying, "No, No NO!" over and over. Too funny. She gets round 2 of her flu shot PLUS her vaccinations this Friday at her 15 month check up. I always dread the vaccination days, but they're never as bad as I'm afraid they'll be. It's hard to believe she is already 15 months! It's harder to believe that I'm 31 weeks along with Jack! It's like I'm nearing the top of the gigantic first hill on a big roller coaster. Hold on!!!!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Going Home. . .

My grandma is supposed to go home from the hospital tomorrow. She has a good month or so of recovery time, but the doctors seem to think she'll do okay. I talked to her on the phone for a minute today. She told me to "take care of those babies." : ) I love my grandma.

We put up our Christmas trees today! We haven't decorated them yet, but we got them put together. I'm sure Tra would love it that I'm saying "we" when it was actually just one of us. : ) I love Christmas time. I'm looking forward to doing more decorating tomorrow.

Hayley likes the Christmas trees. It will be fun to go through the Christmas season with her this year. She is such a hoot. She loves the song "Head, shoulders, knees and toes" and will randomly just grab her head and start shaking her hips and trying to sing it, but of course no legitimate words come out. But that's my cue to start singing and she'll get really excited, shake her hips even harder, and clap for herself after the song is over. Tra and I were talking tonight about how excited we are to have another one running around before too long. What a JOY these precious children are from God. (I need to come back to this entry to re-read when they hit adolescence to remind myself that they really ARE a joy!) How thankful I am to be "mama".

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Thanksgiving. . .

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. It's so hard to believe another year has gone by since last Thanksgiving. Our family Thanksgiving tradition growing up was to load up after school got out on Wednesday (before they actually took the whole week off) and drive to Lamesa, TX (south of Lubbock about 40 miles) and spend the weekend at my grandma and granddad's house. I can remember being so excited about getting to go see my grandparents. They have a small house, but it was filled with so much love. I spent pretty much every Thanksgiving out there (except the year we went to Steak and Ale when my grandma had open heart surgery and we couldn't go to Lamesa----still a good year, but we really missed my grandparents). After Tra and I got married we also went out for the first few years for at least part of the weekend.

My grandma had a pretty severe stroke 2 years ago and we even went out that year. She surprised all the doctors and had a fairly decent recovery when they all thought she should have died. She was severly affected by it though, and although she had her mind still in tact, she was physically too weak to do much of anything. She could walk with her walker for a little bit around the house, but no more cooking, cleaning, running errands, serving others----which is what she lived for. My sweet granddad so willingly accepted the role reversal and did EVERYTHING for her. We have been so blessed to have her around since then---even in such a weak physical state. Something happened to her this past weekend and she has been in the hospital since then undergoing several tests so that the doctors can figure out what the problem is. She's pretty much unconscious most of the time and my mom has prepared us that it doesn't look good. She and my granddad are having the hard talks of what they will do in the worse case scenario. Both of my mom's brothers and their families are in Alaska, so that leaves the 2 of them to do most of the hard stuff.

I have such mixed emotions---which is normal I'm sure. I'm so sad to think of my life without her---even though the REAL her has been gone for 2 years. I could still call her and talk to her and hear her say, "Oh Shelma! How's my baby girl?" (meaning me) and then follow up with, "How's my other baby girl?" (meaning Hayley) She has been such a huge part of shaping my life. But then at the same time, I'm praying that God will take her to spare her from any more discomfort or pain in this life. She used to take me with her to visit the nursing home and she would say to me, "I PRAY I never have to live this way. If I get to the point where I can't do anything for myself, I'd rather be with Jesus." She loves the Lord so deeply and she has been ready to go "home" ever since her stroke. I was laying in her hospital bed with her listening to a cd of hymns when she was in the hospital after the stroke and I asked her if she was scared at all and her response was, "Oh, no honey!" I know she'll be in such a glorious place, and I get so excited thinking about her seeing Jesus for the first time---like a bride seeing her groom on her wedding day. It's just really hard to think about saying goodbye here for now.

I'm almost 30 years old and this will be my first grandparent to pass away. Tra hasn't lost any of his yet either. That in itself is such a huge blessing. I guess the bottom line is that it is just hard to lose those who fill such a large space in your heart---even if you know they will be in heaven. And we'll all grieve the loss, but with hope of reuniting one day. It kills me how people say things like, "Well, at least you've had these extra two years with her," or "At least she got to see Hayley," or "At least you know she's in a better place." As if it is not okay to be sad about the thought of losing her. Jesus wept at the loss of Lazarus. It's OKAY to be sad and grieve over loved ones. I say all of this and she is still alive in a hospital bed. And only the Lord knows when He will come for her. I may have written all of this and she might still be here next Thanksgiving. We'll see.

I am so thankful for the time I've had with her and my granddad. I'm thankful for the example of a Christian marriage they have given me to model. I'm thankful for the example of loving their kids and grandkids so much it literally hurt us sometimes (with the big hugs). I'm thankful for so many mornings at their breakfast table listening as my granddad read their daily devotionals as my grandma handed them over, one after another. I'm thankful for walks in the alley, trips to the park, afternoons in the kitchen baking sugar cookies or making taffy, camping trips to the mountains, roasting marshmellows, trips to the little store around the corner in the summer for push up ice cream pops, Thanksgivings, Christmases, uncomfortable fold out sofas, sourdough pancakes, chocolate pies, Sunday roasts, trips to Baldwin's store, trips to the Savings and Loan to see Santa in the basement, and for the hundreds of other memories I will always carry with me of both of my grandparents.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Good Report. . .

Yea---my doctor's visit was very postive. Apparantly Jack doesn't have much of a chance at all of getting out in the next few weeks at least. We got to have a sonogram too, and he is getting so big! It made me more excited than I've been so far to see his cute little profile and to hear that he is already a little over 3 pounds. I've been off my medication for 24 hours now and I've had no contractions. I'm not allowed to travel out of town, but other than that no bed rest! I'm SUPER bummed that I will miss Christmas with my family in Austin. Everyone is going to be there---Angie and Adam will be in from California. Maybe they'll get a wild hair and come down here for a day or 2 after Christmas or something? If not, I know there will be other Christmases. It just stinks for now.

I finally figured out how to upload pictures to my blog! It's amazing what you can learn when you read directions! Here is a picture of my 2 favorite people in the world! Hayley LOVES her dada!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

7 months and counting. . .

Well I am now in my 29th week of pregnancy, and I started it out in the hospital having pre-term labor. Thankfully my contractions that were coming every 3 minutes or so were stopped after 3 shots of what feels like 1,000mg of caffeine and I only had to spend one night in the hospital. With Hayley I had NOTHING until 41 weeks. No dilating, effacing---nothing. And it's not like I wasn't under stress with that pregnancy. Maybe that's the problem with this one. It's like my body is saying, "Ok---we'd really like to get through a pregnancy without major stress so COOL IT!!" We ended up moving from Grapevine to Keller a few weeks ago and I know that had something to do with my early contractions. It's hard to get much rest with a 14 month old---period. Add moving to the equation and the word rest flies out of the vocabulary. I'm on temporary (hopefully) bedrest for now and I'm going to my doctor tomorrow. I'm hoping he'll just say to take it easy, but that I don't have to be down 24/7. I definitely want to take care of myself because the thought of having Jack so early scares me to death. I know it happens all the time, but I can't imagine having to leave him behind in the hospital. : ( Thankfully I have WONDERFUL friends who are bringing dinner over every night this week and who have offered to keep Hayley if I need them to. I have a hard time being on the receiving end---I would much rather be the one bringing the dinner over or keeping the kids. God obviously knows that and my guess is that He is using this time to work on my heart and teach me how to be a gracious receiver. Not only that, but He is STILL teaching me how to ask for help. : ) Why is that such a hard thing to do??? It's interesting to me to see that I wasn't making it up when I felt like God was telling me to slow down this year and clear my schedule so that included as little as possible so that I could focus on being a wife and a mom and get my house in order. That's basically what has taken up all of my time over the past 7 months and if I had one more thing I was trying to do right now (like BSF---which was hard to give up) I wouldn't be able to keep it up and I would have even more stress on me. I love to look back over my life and see that, as usual, God knows what He is doing and it works best for me to follow HIS will and not my own. How very thankful I am for my precious friends (and family, of course) who have been MORE than supportive over the past year with all we have been through. I pray that God blesses each of you 10 times more than you've blessed me!