Looking forward. . .

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to start this entry and I realized I don't have to think so hard. I just need to start writing as if it was in my own journal and nobody else would read it. So here we go. I am embarking on the end of a stage of my life in the next few weeks. My amazing husband is finishing up what will end up being 6 months of grueling chemotherapy. The past 6 months have been the best and worst of my life. Our precious Hayley was born to us the week after his first treatment and I have never experienced more love in my heart. Looking back is such a great feeling---much better than where we were in July and looking forward. My life has been a series of looking forward to's. I'm looking forward to going to kindergarten, then to 1st grade when I could go to school all day and not just a half day. I looked forward in 1st grade to my newborn sister to get big enough to play jump rope with my other sister and me so we didn't have to tie one end to a pole. I looked forward to learning how to write in cursive in 3rd grade, to having the pretty, nice teacher in 4th grade, to being the oldest in the school in 6th grade, to going to jr. high in 7th grade, to going to high school in 10th, to being able to drive on my own, to graduating and going to college, to teaching after college, to meeting the man of my dreams, to having children of my own and the list stopped there. I have realized lately that everything I've looked forward to my entire life has either passed by or I'm living it. I'm not even 30 years old and I'm done with my looking forward to's. (the major ones anyway) One thing I've thought about as I've pondered on this is it is possible to waste some precious time looking forward to next stages of my life. I've never looked forward to anything more than Tra finishing chemotherapy so we can begin somewhat of a "normal" life with raising our daughter. But when I really think about it, I know in my heart that God has placed us in this situation at this stage of our lives for a greater purpose than we are aware of. Now that this stage is almost over, I am very convicted to look hard for the purpose of this trial and suffering in our lives. I don't want it to be wasted. I want to make sure to remember every day for the rest of my life how difficult this time has been and not forget it and how I didn't make it through taking care of Tra and raising Hayley practically without him for 3 months of her life by myself. Almighty God, Everlasting Father, My Rock, My Comforter, My Consoler, The Lifter of My Head, My Prince of Peace, My Strength, Lover of My Soul, Giver of ALL Things, Holy One, My Jesus has carried me through every step of the way. I want to live the rest of my life making others aware of the power of God in my life and that they too can be blessed with His power in their lives. Although I have depended on the Lord to carry me through this time, it hasn't made it miraculously easy. I have known people who say things like, "I'm doing great---the Lord is getting me through." They seem as though they are untouched emotionally and not hurting as if they would be "weak Christians" if they were. I do not pretend to be untouched by this trial in my life. Like I said earlier, it has been the hardest time of my life watching my best friend, my soul mate, the love of my life have to live this nightmare of a disease and even worse nightmare of treating it. I understand the words, "And the two shall become one flesh." When he hurts, I hurt---and I don't get the drugs to numb it like he does! : ) So in the midst of the deepest hurt in my life so far, I have also experienced extreme joy. I have come to know the Lord and lean on Him like never before. I have actually experienced the power of prayer. It's wild to get cards from people we don't even know telling us they are praying for Tra, Hayley and me. Tra and I have a connection that goes deeper than I ever imagined it could after only 3 and a half years of marriage. And of course the joy of my baby girl smiling up at me every morning and watching her grow daily----my cup overflows. I wouldn't ever choose this path again, but I sure wouldn't change it now. I look back to the morning of July 14, 2004 before the colonoscopy and think, "Who was that woman?" I have been refined by the Spirit's fire and forever changed. After going through this experience (and surviving it) I have begun a list of more Looking forward to's. But this time it's a little different. I'm not so much looking forward to stages like when I was younger, but to what tomorrow will bring. I look forward to seeing how God will continue to use this time in my life for the rest of my life.